Finding Radha

Her playlist shuffled through her favorite songs as she finished her morning run and scurried home to rev up for the busy day. Hustle and bustle of chores and school drop offs on the way to the office made her mornings super busy; satisfying as she would say. She had been a gritty person, persisting in the things that she felt passionate about and persevering in the face of obstacles. A woman who relentlessly tried to thrive in a male dominated industry, building herself up in a foreign land, navigating her way in ever challenging situations and never giving up. My mom, as I knew her up until about three years ago, lived on facts and figures, always strived for perfection and firmly believed that she was strong and independent. Her choice of colors were interesting. From her outfits to the decor in the house to her art, the tones were muted. "I like black and white", she would say. Little did she know that deep inside she was a vibrant and colorful person, whom even she had ceased to see. Simplicity is indeed the ultimate sophistication but in her case that self seemed to have emanated from a chasm within. 

It was during a trip to the Maui island in Hawaii. Radha stood on the shore gazing at the vast expanse of the azure ocean.  Waves strummed the shore with a rhythmic cadence. She mindfully felt the sand slipping away from between the toes with each receding wave and her toes buried in sand once again as the next wave rolled in. Love is like the ocean sand that slips through the toes and slides away, she thought. Minutes turned into a couple of hours as she ambled serenely along the shore. In a pensive state of mind her inner void would become palpable but then her pragmatic self would take over, telling herself that she had been living a life that she understood so well. As she was lost in her thoughts her phone chimed. Pulling the phone out of her pocket she read the message that flashed on its screen, and froze.

"Hello! How are you? Do you remember me?" It was a message from her childhood love. A serendipitous reconnection after three decades of no contact! In an instant she realized that the special place that he had in her heart when they were kids was still his. For the first time she felt a sense of belonging. As if he had been with her all her life.  As days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, the routine of life went on but the aura was different. Trees looked more lush. The flowers looked more vibrant. The world took on more color. She would notice the leaves glinting jade green as they caught the sunlight. A  cache of childhood and teenage memories that had been tucked away for decades started gradually unlocking and unfolding, showing her glimpses of the real person inside who she had masked all her life.

Her childhood life was simple. She thrived on the small small things. Her family sitting in the verandah during power outages and singing songs. Helping mom make tea and snacks for guests who would show up at their house unannounced. Going for early morning walks with dad and picking sewali flowers that were shed on the dewy lawn during the autumn night. Visits to her ancestral home in the village never creased to be amusing. She would bask in the opportunity to assist her grandma in grinding rice in the wooden manual mill (dheki) and making rice pancakes in an outdoor clay fire pit. No matter how fatigued her arms got, she never gave up her endeavor to be her grandma's chosen one for drawing water from a pristine underground source using the manual hand pump that valiantly stood in the middle of the courtyard. She silently wished that someday the one she loved would accompany her to her ancestral home. That wish remained as a wish.

She loved him silently since her childhood and all through her teenage years but she could not gather the courage to express her love. She knew that she would love him all her life.  She felt safe with her unsaid love. It inspired her. She was a dancer whose grace and self expression naturally emanated from her heart and reflected in her dance. Her creativity, be it in the form of a painting,  a table cloth embroidered by hand, or an intricate crochet pattern, was cherished by her parents for many moons after she left home. Yes, she left, trying to forget her unrequited love, to a far away land that she tried to call home. Perhaps it was a twist of fate or her own inaction or some of both, she never knew that he loved her too.

Life charted its course. Her tangible life looked good superficially yet there was a deep void within. In her subconscious attempt to cope, she suppressed her real self to comply with the demands of the world around her.  Lost was the deepest inspiration that had suffused her with passion and grace to make her the dancer that she used to be. Her visual art repertoire became limited to a black-and-white medium because she lost the colors that used to emanate from her heart. Her mind believed that she was an independent woman but in reality she did not have independence of views. Was this the life she thought she understood so well? A single track life driven by logic and a pursuit of perfectionism. She believed that was who she was until the day the wondrous message from the love of her life appeared on her phone screen. From thousands of miles apart they shared a moment that both understood.

He showed her a new perspective, a new way of looking at life. Meandering that path she saw glimpses of her real self, which juxtaposed with the way she had lived her life, made it clear to her that she had lost herself. Thus started Radha's journey of self discovery. She cherishes the intangible connection that she has with the love of her life. She knows now that love does not slip away like the ocean sand does from between her toes. That's because love is inside her. She is love. No biases, no leashes, she is free and beautiful.

I am Sewali and this is the story of my mother. She is finding herself and she is finally healing.

Never allow yourself or others to make you lose yourself. If there are colors in your heart, do not be afraid to paint the richest red, the brightest blue and the deepest green.  And, dance!